There were just two things I was looking forward to about this movie: Ashley Greene and Michael Sheen. But that didn’t work out too well since Greene looked decidedly less appealing than she did in previous films and Sheen only made an appearance in a post-credits scene.
The entire plot is a mess of bad decisions. But before I get into that, let’s orientate you to its chief decision-makers:
– Bella Swan (Kristen Stewart); a normal-looking, subnormal-behaving 18-year-old human female.
– Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson); an ugly-looking 105-year-old vampire male who is convinced that Bella is the bitch he’s been waiting a century for.
– Jacob Black (Taylor Lautner); a constantly angry and barebodied 16-year-old werewolf male and Bella’s best friend, who’s crushed on her for longer than he should have.
Breaking Dawn opens with Jacob, angry and barebodied as always, running off into the wilderness. The next twenty minutes are dedicated to Bella and Edward’s wedding and preparations, including a discomforting dream scene implying all the guests have died via Edward’s mouth. The wedding itself was pretty much the highest plateau the movie hit thanks to the choices of music that underscored it (most notably “Flightless Bird, American Mouth” by Iron & Wine) and the five seconds that showed off Alice & Jasper’s decades of dance experience.
That’s where everything started collapsing. Bella reveals to Jacob, unnecessarily, her intention to get boned by Edward as a human, which makes him angry. What followed consisted of the most awkward and uncomfortable sex scenes I’ve ever seen, Bella revealing she likes it rough, and Jacob acting more angry, petulant and stupid than ever before. In fact, every single piece of conflict that happens after this point is a result of Jacob switching allegiances more often than Bella switched love interests in Part 1. Jacob Black is either the worst part of this film or the sole device that drives it forward, because without him, the shit sure wouldn’t have hit the fan as dramatically for the Cullens.
I am going to sum up why this is a horrible film with this shortlist of harmful, deluded messages it seems to be sending its young female target audience:
1. that each girl is going to have two entire races of people fighting, literally, over them.
2. that it is perfectly acceptable to marry someone who’s six times your age, especially since he’s wealthy.
3. that it’s fine to break your best friend’s heart, because he’s still going to fight for you.
4. that the first time you have sex is going to be wild, fantastic and dreamy; also, being roughed up is wonderful.
5. that there’s no problem for a guy to develop an infatuation with his love interest’s newborn daughter.
Wake up, girls (see Sucker Punch).
Director: Bill Condon
Producers: Wyck Godfrey, Karen Rosenfelt & Stephanie Meyer
Screenwriter: Melissa Rosenberg
Starring: Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, Taylor Lautner